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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kelly's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
9:11 am
pablano thoughts
Hey there everybody.

So last night, I quickly sliced three large pablano peppers, discarding the seedy insides, and then I washed my hands because, you know, the seeds usually have more of the really spicy pepper oil in them than the rest of the pepper. I threw them in a bowl with plenty of olive oil and tossed them a bit, then spread them out an a cookie sheet, sprinkled some salt on them and broiled them for 10 minutes or so (which seems long, right? Maybe our oven isn't as cookin' as it should be.) Then I washed my hands again to get the olive oil off. Then I took them out, all soft and limp, the skin all bubbled up and crispy in places... and I ate them. Well, some of them. Then I washed my hands because I eat with my fingers.
After dinner in front of an old old Ally McBeal episode, I went downstairs to clean up. I put the rest of the peppers in a container and then I licked the salty, spicy green oil off the pan. I loaded the dishwasher a bit. I went to the bathroom to start the whole tooth-cleaning process before bed, and I washed my hands because I stick them all in my mouth when I floss. After all that, I washed them once more to get all my mouth germs off of them and because I felt bed for chewing them all up earlier in the day (I bite the skin around my nails when I am nervous which is all the time now.) Then I went to bed. In bed, trying to get comfortable and sleepy, I rubbed my eye --- once, with my thumb knuckle, practically my wrist area --- and it burned like fire for a few seconds before it cried itself clean.
I then thought about all the amazing things one could do with pepper oil. I thought about stuffing dried peppers in a bottle of olive oil and hoping they leeched, since I know nothing about this sort of thing, and about maybe boiling peppers and somehow getting the oil off the top of the water? or just sticking fresh, chopped peppers in a bread pan with a couple of inches of oil, baking it for awhile and straining the oil out? Yum yum yum.

Current Mood: nervous
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
1:39 pm
nudge nudge
Hello. Sarah nudged me. I guess it has been a long long time since I posted.

Let's see.

I found a reasonably priced gym in West Lebanon. Yay. Now let's find the time to go there, enough to make the money worthwhile...

I found a site for a cool crafty girl getting her MSW (I assume) in Albany. Well now... my ticking clock for getting into the accelerated master's program there: I graduated in May of 2004... 5 years? or 3? I think I have another two years. It doesn't seem likely. I mean, no. Not very likely.

So what now? I am enjoying New Hampshire, now that I have vague plans for getting out of here at the end of the summer. The winter is when I like to get out of places, but just knowing it will happen eventually is almost good enough. I like getting out of places, and getting into new ones.

It is time to go to work.

Happy postings, on-line people.
Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
8:51 pm
what'll I do
when you
are in nursery schoo
and I'm
so blue
what'll I do.

Today is my mom's birthday, and I dedicate this post to her.

This post. Hm. Well, hi everyone.

I'm okay. Life is good. Hope to see you all soon. I love you.

Bye! :-)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
8:35 pm
chomp chomp
Hey folks

so, today I am thinking about frog fricasee.

The slowly turning up the heat on a frog versus throwing him into boiling water thing.

I am not jumping out. The water is either not hot, or I am not noticing.

poo. I miss you, ryan and sarah. I should stop feeling stuck and just get out of here for a bit. If things fall apart behind me, so be it. I will have nothing to have to go back for. If they don't, I will know that I can go visit friends and family safely. How did I get here, where that is a question?

Friday, January 20th, 2006
7:56 am
ooooh boy.
Well. Sorry I haven't written in forever and ever.

Everything is okay.

I am in love with someone who is all of the good things imaginable, but also a few of the worst. Hopefully the good will overpower the bad. We'll see. When I ask him, "what are we going to do today?" he says, "we're going to love each other and be honest with each other!" which is kind of sweet. Also indicative of the situation.

Oy. You see.

What else? I am still planning my escape. From everything stable. This time around. :-)

I love and miss you all, and I'm sorry I've been all wrapped up in my own world for so long. I hope you are well and happy and wrapped up in your own worlds. It is kind of nice. :-)

roses and teddy bears,

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
4:27 pm
Hello my pumpkin friends,

I just thought I'd update a bit.

I am well today. :)

I am going to my first rehearsal with a local chorus today, as an alto.

I am hired as a model for a drawing class at SUNY with this nice old gay man teacher who makes me feel completely comfortable. He said, "you won't mind modeling with another woman, will you?" :-) I laughed. Safety and strength abound.

I am hired part-time at the co-op again! Yay! Except not all yay, since I will have no weekends to travel.

I maybe have an affordable studio apartment just two doors down from where I am now, with my friends.

Gilmore girls new season is starting.

My brain is functioning!

Kimberly called me and we talked a bit yesterday, and it was good.


Also, the new coffee shop near my house has dark red walls and art and a loft and scrabble boards. Plural. And a magic girl behind the counter sometimes.

That is all for now.

I love you, and I miss you RIers!
Monday, August 29th, 2005
6:48 pm
That is what I am in right now - a work/sleep period.

I am tired of this.

I think I need to find a way to be around some very close family and friends for this winter. The problem is, honestly, that I can't let anyone be close friends or family to me. I have some that I let in a long time ago and they are still wonderful :), in fact, they are the examples of what I am missing in my life on a daily basis, but they can't be *it*, you know? I have to grow. It is silly, because I am so good at the first part, the meeting people part, but I get worse and worse at the letting them actually get to know me at all... I don't put any effort into people anymore.

Either I need to be close to people, or I need to be completely alone. I am closer to the alone side of it.

There are reasons and explanations - there always are. It doesn't matter, though. They don't change anything.
Thursday, August 25th, 2005
10:00 pm
forcibly empowering the violet
Hello there friends.

It has come to my attention that I am slipping away. Disorders and long distances, closed doors and empty promises... I am going.

Perhaps I have always been on my way to this. This?

Ally, it was great to see you. I love you. In the warmest, closest, and also most difficult ways possible. I hope we get to explore them someday, for a longer moment than last Tuesday.

Kimberly... what can I say? Knowing you is new and exciting every day - I will choose you over and over and over again.

Saturday, July 30th, 2005
11:08 pm
so let go
let go
jump in
well, what're you waiting for?

let go - by frou frou

Is it high risk, the way I live? I don't feel like I am doing anything revolutionary or radical, but people react as if I am. 21, and no health insurance, no retirement plan, no relationship, no home.

I am just living the life in me. It comes out a day at a time. I watch, I choose, I live it. I listen to the same songs on repeat until I have worn them out, and then I move on to something new but often relatively similar.

I love the sunsets, and the early mornings, and the sleeping in between. Not that I have stopped thinking or trying. Life just moves more smoothly when I let it go. You know, jump in. Like in "pushing tin".

goodnight, folks.

Current Mood: sleepy
12:10 pm
You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.

Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

me too me too!

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
10:48 am
missing you
here I am in Albany;
working too much,
biking too much,
changing shape.

I am thinking about teaching English far away.

I am thinking about being alone.

I miss being anonymous.

Already, I miss not knowing
where I will be next or
what I will see.

I do not miss being lonely,
or being dirty.

I do not sleep well. I do not eat well. These things still have no structure.

So. If I move to Taiwan to teach English to preschoolers in an immersion program that pays well and provides housing, I will not bike so much, and I will have a very clear work schedule and a fun job and lots of time to myself, to stretch and cook and eat and think and write.

I will be gone for a year. I will miss you. I already miss you. I will have money to come home a few times, though, and I will have something new and different every day. I will have a laptop, and I will write on it. And when it is over, I will have money in the bank and no more debt.

Just one year. I have done a lot of things for years. I have lived many years now. They go and go.

What do you think? Can I do it? It was never worth it before. It seems worth it this time. I will be scared, but I can do it I think. Pretend to be something. Just pretend, until I am. Something. You know.

Starbucks is fine. Beautiful girl Heather that I work with makes me very happy - I laugh a lot with her. I hope I keep laughing, even if it is just out of tiredness and emotional rawness. Is that a word?

I love you all, and I can't wait to see you -

When I come back from Taiwan, and Ireland, and wherever else I go, I will marry you all and we will live happily ever after, forever and ever, amen.
Friday, June 24th, 2005
7:48 am
waiting for the rain
So there's this song. It is about two old people in a very dry land, sitting on their porch and waiting for the rain. The old woman gets the old man a glass of water and when she sets it down, the condensation on the glass makes a small brown stain on the wood table between them. The old man picks up his shotgun.

That is all I remember. I can't find the lyrics anywhere. It is called, I think, "waiting for the rain."

So hello there everyone. I miss you, Ryanski. I am glad you are free, my Sarah. When can I see you? :-)

Such a one-track mind, mine.

It is almost July. I am making it to July, I think. Then I will try for August.

I bike to work every day, and everywhere else, too. That is something, isn't it? Something good.
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
8:46 pm
you are dead you sting king toed
I am helping my friend Nick clean his room and we found this notebook from when he was seven or something and there are these awesome drawings of fighting people and words like "'ha ha', my sweet babls for batel" :)

He was an awesome seven year old :)

one page just says "dragin blaed" :)

Oh, and of course the best - "you are dead you sting king toed" with a battle picture. Lots of muscular beings and swords and the like.

Saturday, June 11th, 2005
11:52 pm
my love
It is her birthday, or it was a few days ago.

Here I am in Ithaca with her.

I am obsessed - lacking something, but entirely focused on it... empty and full. That is my life, in many ways.

"Run with it", you said. (Did you know what you were saying?)

I am. I do. I am.
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
11:25 am
oh, yeah, you know, that may be true
isn't it weird how I write nothing and then a lot all at once?

I deserve, as any decent, caring person deserves, to be considered and supported
when I've left myself vulnerable.

In case any of you had forgotten.
10:47 am
I know y'all didn't ask, but I am telling you anyway so that those of you spending the weekend with me will know.

My songs are:

cannonball - damien rice
a case of you - joni mitchell
never saw blue like that - shawn colvin
ariel ramirez - richard bruckner

today, these are all (oh my god) songs.

So yesterday I went into the basement of this building I am living in to get clothes out of the dryer. I opened the door and the clothes were spinning and with each spin as it slowed to a stop a dollar bill fell out, one, two, three, four, five.

I cried. I just cried. The clothes weren't dry. I took the money and shut the dryer door and stood there, leaning on the washer. I must have been a sight, wearing an undershirt and someone's old boxers, with bare feet and messy, sleepy hair. I cried in the choking, sobbing way that comes from somewhere you'd never want to go, somewhere basic and raw. You know the place. The place that won't let you wipe the tears, you are so angry at them for being there - you're angry at everything, and taking responsibility for it all at the same time.

It was unjustified. I am not trying to explain or defend it.

I went upstairs and passed a man in pajamas coming back inside after a smoke.

I put the money on the counter, and later, when I was recounting the story, I couldn't get it out because I was laughing so hard. Do you know I have exactly $1.75 now? (sidenote - Ryan, um... could I borrow $20?)


Tomorrow is Ithaca. Today is more coffee tasting and training. Tonight is bookstore loitering and probably more crying.


Yesterday I went to Poestenkill falls with Nick, Adam (his friend) and a 14 year old girl named Casey who knows more about hard drugs and self-injury than I hope to ever know. We climbed up on the rocks at the bottom of the falls and the water was pounding down all around us, and if you lay flat it will lift you up and you can slide down. It was scary, what with all the woolly mammoths under the water, but it was really quite beautiful.


The boy that I fell in love with most recently has stopped talking to me. It hurts quite a lot. It is okay, though, I will eventually forget the way I was looking at things for that short time. Eventually he will become something that happened, and that is all. I am sure that is what he wants.


Love to you all, and you too Alyssa :)

Sunday, June 5th, 2005
9:31 am
playa del fuego
Ok. I am going to attempt the first purge.

Remember to breathe when you get the chance.

I ran into Jonathan in the co-op and he invited me to PDF. I was skeptical of his intentions because the last time I knew him we weren't very close... I wasn't interested in a relationship and he was. When I ran into him... I had ridden my bike to the co-op and it was starting to rain. We put my bike in his car and went to Washington park, parked and walked around in the sprinkles. It didn't really rain much at all. We shared what food we had - bread and cheese from Jonathan, banana from me. We both apologized for a number of things we did to each other last year when we were hanging out... and talked about how different we were now, and the things that had happened to us. We ran into a friend of his - he stayed with her, and I got my bike and rode home.

Oh, this is going to be long. Perhaps I shouldn't attempt it in this form.

Let's try again.

amazing land and skies and sun and breezes
lack of sleep
gift economy
creative, kind, generous people
really good food
unexpected beauty
physical pleasures
time & situation induced emotional intimacy (friendships)
clothing optional
alcohol, etc.


public cervix announcement and workshop with take-home plastic speculums
free range titty society
- - - (I, ______, affirm that my body is beautiful as it was created and does not require unnatural or artificial enhancements. The goal of the F.R.T.S. is to enlighten humankind that the only adaptations we make should be for ourselves rather than to meet the standards of accepted social structures. As a lifetime member of the F.R.T.S. I do solemnly swear to liberate myself from the pretense that my body is anything less than a work of art. I recognize I do not need to be standardized and insist upon the virtue of variety. I will also help others acknowledge the same pure beauty in themselves.)
PerverCity - included two covered geodesic domes
DiverCity - where the PerverCity folks lived :-)
lots of kilts and skirts on men
children :-) and dogs, including a BABY SHIBA INU which is the best dog ever.
lots of pretty women
only a couple of skeevy men out of 600+ people
amazing campsites that turn into actual complete bars, living rooms, movie theaters, etc. at night when darkness and light can imply shape that isn't there in the daylight
no vending! only gifting!
fire spinners, eaters, breathers
propane fire cannons
naked slip n' slide with judges (the old veterans who own the land - ha!) and awards with naked dolls in a flying position stuck on top
big blow up pool full of rose petals (no kidding)
a photo booth (camping! huh?)
3 or 4 massage tables and chairs with attending certified therapists (awww yeah)
BDSM dome with accessories... demonstrations of japanese rope bondage and suspension and various SM toys
Zombie camp

um... I'm hoping to eventually write it all out, moment to moment, be more specific, you know... but for now, this is it - the first random spill.

Love to all of you.
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
11:41 pm

I've got friends. Some who want things, some who only want to give. I've got friends to go with, and friends to sit still with, and friends to talk and laugh and play with. I've got friends to cook and eat with, and friends to grow with, and friends to dream and plan with. I've got friends. I am good at the friends thing.

In case you were thinking otherwise.

When I was younger, my mother always acted surprised when people met me and liked me. It is no wonder I have trouble believing it myself now.

It is true, though. I am good at the people thing.
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
1:09 am
the first
Here it is, folks.

I went to Playa Del Fuego.

I met people. I slept very little. I opened up, and shared things and grew and hurt and laughed and cried. I loved. I deepened my relationships with the sun and sky and stars and the amazing, moving, living world around me.

I am happy. I should have been in the deepest time of the month, and I am the highest I have felt in a long time. Shall I credit the pills, the people or the situations? I wish I could say I won't change anything, so that next month I may be as successful, but I know I can't make that happen. Right now, I don't mind that. I need to breathe as much of this in as I possibly can while it is here around me - I want my body and my mind to recognize this feeling, to know it deeply and fully.

I am very tired. I need to sleep, but I also need to write this.

Ryan and Sarah, I love you.

What a silly dramatic entry :-). Ah, but that is where I am tonight. Time to sleep.

Saturday, May 21st, 2005
7:18 pm
all the people
There are so many people!

I just want to hide. I want one person, just one, to share everything with - I want to give everything to just one person. I want to experience the world with two sets of eyes and ears and feet. I want to be two, not one, and not 15 or 28 or 52.

I am not lonely at all - that is not it. I am full.

Today I got invited to Playa Del Fuego (sp?) in Delaware - a smaller burning man type thing. If I went it would be thursday through tuesday - this coming weekend - and Jonathan Marcus would pay for everything - he just saw me at the co-op and asked me to go with him and Kelly Joe. What am I supposed to do? I would like to go. I just don't want to be in this lost place. If I go I can't work until June 1. If I go I won't spend any money but I won't make any... I will be busy every day, around so many people... seeing so many interesting and amazing things, in a warmer place :-), meeting people - oh, I should go. It is like a giant dangerous art party. Look it up, I can't describe it right now. Let's just say... someone offering me a free ticket and ride and food and everything is a wonderful gift. I should go.

The thing is. . . . .

I am tired. Overstimulated.

I should go anyway. I should just do it, and it will be amazing even if I am overstimulated. I will hide when I need to.

We'll see.

I wish I was with Kimberly, all drugged and sleepy and warm and safe and happy. Or with you, Ryan and Sarah. Soon, though. Things are working. I am taking my pills :-) and riding my bike and eating good food. I will be fine, right? I love you all. Especially Miss Kimberly. You have made it so far from where your father's family is. I can't wait to see you...
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